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I think this guy likes me and will ask me out soon. How do I say no?
Hi Rob,
There's this man at work that I like and am quite attracted to, and
I think he feels the same way. I have the strongest feeling that
he's going to ask me out, but I can't go out with him.
There are some reasons I could give him if he asked (more on that later) but the bottom line is, I don't date because I don't believe in sex outside of marriage, and let's face it, dating leads to sexual involvement. I'm not a practicing Christian now - I left the church some time ago, but still retain Christian beliefs and for me, sex is for marriage.
Also, it's a fine way to avoid being used and dumped - knowing that the man I wake up with will be the one who's pledged to spend the rest of his life with me, and won't just walk out with a 'I'll call you' with the high likelihood that I won't ever hear from him again.
I've looked on the Net about women who can't find a man to stick round if she won't have sex with him, and how they have to be upfront with it if she's asked out, and men's varying reactions. I would just feel too embarrassed to bring this matter up with this guy if he asked, and I really believe he WILL ask. What can I say to him?
He's a smoker, and I hate smoking. He also works at the same place as me, and I've never thought dating someone at work a good idea. But those two reasons won't work. If he liked me enough, he might decide to give up smoking! And we don't actually work together at work. Besides, if I didn't have this thing about sex outside of marriage, I could just about overlook the smoking - at least I'd give it a go, if he could be considerate. So those two reasons wouldn't be a barrier. And it wouldn't be honest of me to use them.
He's also younger than me. I'm 47, I think he might be early 40's . He might only be a few years younger than me. I wouldn't like going out with someone younger, but if he didn't mind, I could, I suppose. I can't use that as a reason, because he might be nearly the same age!
I turned down a guy not so long ago with a blunt 'No' only because he took me completely by surprise. I know he was hurt, and it took him a while to get over it. I felt terrible. I never wanted to hurt his feelings, and I know it's a big thing for a guy to approach a woman. I don't want to hurt this current guy either. It's not even about him! It's about me and what I believe in. It wouldn't be fair for me to go out with him, he needs to find someone who will do what he wants to do, that is, get sexual. Because let's face it, Rob, very few men will continue dating a woman who refuses to sleep with him. I've never heard of any. Dating is all about sex! Which is why I turn guys down.
I've tried avoiding him at work but he makes it hard. He keeps
finding reasons to come into my work area. He keeps popping up in
other places too.
What do I do, Rob? How do I turn him down without him feeling it
must be to do with him, when it isn't? Should I just say that I
don't date? If I say, ' Oh... thanks for asking, but no thanks'
he'll be hurt.
I don't want to go into the 'I don't have sex before marriage thing' with him, unless of course he keeps pressing me for a reason.
I'm asking you because you're a guy, you're not religious (my
Christian girlfriends would give a different answer to you probably)
and I need to know a guy's perspective.
Thanks,
Lizzie
Dear Lizzie,
If you've decided that you can't go out with him why are you getting
in such a frenzy about what his motives are and what your response
might be?
I think you're working hard to convince yourself that getting together, and changing your life to suit him, would be all bad.
While I don't entirely agree with that based on what you've told me I do agree that if you are sure that the "special someone" isn't him, then simply a flat "no" really will suffice.
You have no control over the feelings of others and their potential reactions to whatever events occur.
You have your reasons, and they're good ones, so when the question pops out just say no and leave it at hat. Offering any secondary explanations will then bring hurt.
Keep it simple.
Best wishes,
Rob
People that read this article also read:
Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help"
books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men
and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable(Honesty
Sales Policy: this website may receive a commission when you
purchase suggested materials.):
For Women
- Christian Carter's Catch Him and Keep Him
- Rori Raye's Have The Relationship You Want
- Carol Allen's Love is in The Stars
For Men
- David Deangelo's Double Your Dating
- David Wygant Men's Mastery Coaching
- Alex Allman's Revolutionary Sex Tips For Men
- The Dating Wizard's Relationship Mastery Program
* Rob is not a professional counselor, just
someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll
give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have
someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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