Dating After Divorce
Your Guide To Quickly Getting Back Into
"The Dating Game" After A Divorce Or
Breakup
By Ken Kennedy
www.Double Your Dating.com
This article: If you say hi, give
yourself a mental high five. Consider it a win. Don't wait to congratulate
yourself.
Dear Ken,
Mate I have a challenge that you may be able to help with. A little on my
situation first.
I'm just coming out of a very long term relationship (11yrs in the making)..
Now it seems as though I'm not sure where to start. I have been following
your and other dating advise from the net with not much success at all.
My biggest challenge is approaching women (be it at the mall, clubs, gym etc
etc). There seems to be a fear issue which I have been trying to overcome
and approach but still nothing.
Any ideas on how to get over this and break the old pattern?
I know if I can pass this one my success will sky rocket!
Thanks
B, Melbourne.
Ken K. Replies:
Hey B, I'm sure a lot of guys reading this can relate to your situation - a
long term relationship (or marriage) ends, you try to go out and meet women,
but something just isn't working.
There are a couple of important points I want to share on this. First off,
you say that you are "just coming out" of a 11 year relationship.
Many guys try to get back out in the "dating scene" IMMEDIATELY after a long
relationship ends. Research shows that men don't wait as long as women do to
start dating again.
But in most cases, rushing to get back out there is a BAD IDEA.
We all need a little "down-time" to process what happened, learn the
lessons, let go of anger or guilt or hurt, and decide what you want out of
your life from here on out.
Guys who try to re-enter the dating realm TOO early often struggle... and
it's because women can tell that there's something off, there's something
not quite RIGHT about them.
And they are absolutely correct. You've got unfinished business you need to
get through first before you're able to confidently go out and attract a new
woman.
Divorce is a HUGE life change, and there are TONS of insights to learn that
can really shift your perspective on relationships, who you are, what you
really need to be happy, etc. But ONLY if you take the time to reflect...
instead of immediately getting distracted by new women.
Don't get me wrong - if a "little" downtime turns into a "LOT" of downtime,
you may stuck in a negative pattern. If this is you, don't worry... because
I can help.
As with everything in life, the goal is always BALANCE - not too much, and
not too little... just the right amount.
Now, you mention your "fear issue" that you've been trying to overcome.
You're doing what most men do, which is trying to break through your
problem.
It may surprise you that this is actually a classic MISTAKE.
Let me explain why:
If you've done any self-help work at all, you've probably come across the
idea of the Law of Attraction.
There's a lot of different definitions to choose from, but to put it quite
simply, the idea is that you tend to attract into your life what you focus
on.
So, the guy who focuses on his problem... usually gets more of it.
Let's use as an example Psychotherapy.
I'm not bashing therapy here, but there are quite a few people who spend
years in therapy and don't get much out of it.
They talk talk talk about their problems, the sources of their problems, how
they feel about their problems.
But all too often they don't find SOLUTIONS, because that's not where their
attention is focused.
So, the first step I'd suggest is stop focusing on your problem, and start
focusing on SOLUTIONS.
Even if you don't "believe" in the Law of Attraction, I'm sure you agree
that if you're thinking of solutions you are much more likely to find them.
Instead of thinking about your "fear issue," think of ways to boost your
CONFIDENCE when you're approaching a woman.
It might seems like a subtle mental shift, but try it out for 2 weeks... you
may be surprised how much it can do for you.
Let me give you 3 other tips you can use right away to help you get more
confidence and approach women with success:
Tip #1: Upgrade Your Wardrobe
Many men coming out of long relationships or marriages are a bit out-of-step
when it comes to wearing clothes that not only attract women, but also boost
your confidence.
Michael Jordan once said something like, "If you dress good, you feel good.
And if you feel good, you play good."
Ah, the words of a true master.
There's no denying that the clothes you wear can have a dramatic impact on
how confident you feel.
And there's no denying that how confident you feel can have a direct impact
on your willingness to approach women... and how attractive you come across
to them when you do.
Often all it takes it one shirt, one pair of pants, one pair of shoes, and a
haircut to absolutely transform your confidence... and your RESULTS.
Don't know where to start? Start paying attention to the clothes other guys
are wearing that you think look good and that you'd feel comfortable in.
Go out on a limb and ask these guys where they get their clothes.
Personally, here in the U.S. I think Nordstrom's Rack is a great resource
for clothes. They take all the leftover inventory from Nordstrom's, cut the
price in half, and sell it quickly so they can make room for new stuff.
One black long sleeve button up shirt, one pair of modern jeans, and one
pair of black shoes - many times that's ALL YOU NEED.
Tip #2: Pick Easy Situations To Approach Women
Most guys who want to approach women don't take the time to figure out the
approach situations they'd feel the most COMFORTABLE in.
They're walking somewhere and they see a woman they would like to meet
walking somewhere else, fear overcomes them, they don't approach.. and then
they beat themselves up for not approaching.
Instead, think about starting off with situations where you can approach a
woman WITHOUT really approaching her.
Waitresses... store clerks... cashiers.. all of these women you can practice
talking to and flirting with, and you don't have to approach them AT ALL.
What I'm trying to say here it to take advantage of the opportunities that
naturally present themselves.
That's a great place to start.
As you build your confidence, you can begin to branch out and create your
own opportunities to meet women wherever you go.
Tip #3: Start Off With Baby Steps
A lot of guys trip themselves up by trying to swallow the whole elephant in
a single bite.
They think they can go from not being able to even start a conversation with
a woman... to successfully starting the conversation, continuing it, asking
for a number, overcoming objections, and walking away with a number.
I don't know of any coach in the world who would try to teach ANY skill all
at once like this.
I've found in my own life I learn best when I "chunk down" behaviors or
skills into their simplest parts, and then work on each part separately.
When I master one part, I then add the next and work on that until I master
that, and then I add the next and the next.
I'm sure you've already come to this understanding in your own life, but
sometimes when it comes to women we get so damn excited that we forget to
apply the fundamentals.
So, when it comes to learning how to approach women, start with the simplest
skill. In this case, it might be simply saying "hi" to any attractive (or
even not-so-attractive) woman that passes by you.
If you say "hi," give yourself a mental high five. Consider it a WIN. Don't
wait to congratulate yourself until you actually get a woman's number.
Your goal was to say hi, you did it, so celebrate.
Then maybe you'll move up to engaging in a little small talk. Then maybe
throw in some humor with it. And then maybe you'll be ready to suggest
talking with the woman again over drinks or what have you.
Chunk it down, and you'll find that you will have a lot more confidence in
yourself, and you'll success will come with a lot less frustration.
Learn a simple move that
will drive almost any woman CRAZY anticipating your first kiss (it's a move
you can use over and over for the rest of your life!!
Just go here:
www.Double Your Dating.com
I'll talk to you again in a couple of days.
To your success with women,
Ken Kennedy
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