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What About Sex On The First Date?

Ask Rob! The Advice General
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Dear Rob,
I've recently started dating again after coming off a long relationship that didn't work out. 3 Years 2 months, to be exact.

The guy I was with was only the second guy I ever slept with.

My friends are now 'filling me in' on all the new dating rules, but I'm not comfortable with having sex on the first date. After all, he'd be a guy I pretty well just met.

What is your opinion on having sex on your first date?
CH

Hi CH,
I have to answer you based on my personal belief's, my personal experience and what I've learned in answering advice questions over the last 7 years.

Sex on the first date isn't a good idea - ever!

One guy once told me that he stopped seeing a girl after the first date because she wouldn't sleep with him. He told me that the date was great, they communicated well, they had fun and discovered they had a lot in common with each other. But, at the end of the date when he started making moves on her, she flat out said to him, "No sex on the first date". He wanted to be sure they 'fit well together', mentally as well as sexually.

I told this guy that God created man and woman to fit together, so the sexual part was a no-brainer. If he wanted to see how good she was in bed, and compare her to other women he's slept with, he's devaluing not only the sexual act, but this girl becomes a ride at the fair instead of a person with deeper feelings and values. If you base sex as the most important part of a relationship, you're going to have plenty of time to have sex with yourself.

And when you do get the opportunity to have sex with someone else, it won't be as great as it should be because it'll just be an exercise in body parts and not involve the whole person as intercourse is meant to be.

If all you want is a sexual relationship with someone, you're not being fair to yourself and your future. For the time being let's ignore the argument for abstinence and the risk of STD's (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) and pregnancy and consider the after-effects of a sexual adventure:

If you have sex with someone on the first date you'll later wonder if the person still likes you;
if they'll call you again;
if they've been with other people and how many;
what type of future you'll have;
and so on.

Shouldn't all of these questions be answered before giving of yourself so fully?

Shouldn't any relationship you have that is on the verge of becoming a sexually intimate relationship have a certain future?

I'm not telling you to 'Just Say No', I'm telling you to be sure the value of the sexual act is worth all that it should be and not just a 'ride on the pony'.

Best Wishes!
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I have been seeing Charlie* for about 5 months. Charlie* is and engineer and works late, which means its hard to see him regularly because of late shifts. Usually on his early days or days off we'll get together for dinner or a drink. This results in an over night stay at his place. We have been sleeping together sexually for about 3 months and it is monogamous. I told him that I am attracted to him and his response was "I'm not looking to be in a relationship right now, but I am interested in you." What's that mean and how am I supposed to act towards him?

I took the comment as us being friends with benefits. But friends don't pay for dinner or drinks every time and refuse to take money when someone offers to help out with the bill. I am very confused with how he treats me. I am really into Charlie* and don't understand why he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I'm not pushy with it but I need a mans advice on what to in a situation like this. Do I stick around and wait for him to see that I am relationship material or what? Or is it a lost cause and should I just remain friends?
-In a dilemma

Hi dilemma,
He won't change, you need to.
Change boyfriends, that is.

And I wouldn't even call him about it. You can be his big loss.

Guys that have 'friends with benefits' are the biggest users around. They get everything they want/need without caring how the other person actually feels. I bet you've had many sleepless nights wondering what's going on while he beside you snoring away.

As for him paying the bills, that can be one of two things:
he realizes that he makes more money than you, so he pays, or
he figures it's the least that he can do, to keep the benefits rolling in (without realizing that he's practically prostituting you!)

You need to end this and find someone to settle down with, pronto.

Best wishes,
Rob

 

Dear Reader,
Over the years I've had the opportunity to read many "self-help" books that deal with a variety of situations that occur between men and women. Please take a moment and visit these suggested websites, where applicable:

For Women

For Men

* Rob is not a professional counselor, just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored. He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
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